At first I had found satisfaction in this idea of “aniccha – everything is incapable of satisfying”. It was kind of relieving that I didn’t have to wait to actually do something or finish something to already know the result, that any imaginable “high” was guaranteed to evaporate soon after.
But now the truth of aniccha is getting in the way of my motivation to continue with creative pursuits (DJing, standup, restaurant, etc). I’d always convinced myself that my #1 goal out of all these pursuits was to make others happy (thru playing their favorite song, making them laugh, making their day thru culinary surprise). But if I know that even if these exercises do make others happy, that their happiness is fleeting, it’s only a temporary fix, it’s like getting a haircut before it all grows back………what is the point? Am I missing something? It’s the futility of the result that’s undermining my interest.
OR MAYBE the point is that yes, for most people, these spikes in joy/clarity will fade away, but maybe for someone, it makes all the difference in the world, and has a more lasting impact? Reminds me of this line, “Don’t be something to everybody, be everything to somebody.”
Do you feel like that when you’re teaching us? Is that what motivates you – that even though 99% of a weekend’s content may fade within 99 days for 99% of the people, is it motivation enough for you if even just 1 person gets enlightened….or no?
That which is happening to you is natural dispassion! It is a mandatory milestone on the spiritual path for an extremely sincere seeker. Let it happen! Don’t question it. Don’t judge it. Just be with whatever is happening to you. Vairagya takes you through many layers in its evolution. This is just layer ONE. Just be with it.
If I look at what motivates me to teach – Something or someone external is never the basis for any of my actions.
Where it comes to teaching knowledge, I feel like an overflowing stream that is just flowing naturally not really thinking about whether the water satiates the thirst of one or many or none. Being naturally self-propelled, I don’t grade myself on what others get from me or on what others think about the water from this stream. The external world does not exist for me. It is like that stage that keeps changing, that keeps moving, that keeps revolving. It may add beauty to the entire scene but that’s about it, I tend to not give it any over importance.
My sight is not on the external. My sight is directed inward. There is an ocean of silence within that holds my attention more than the external world. The fullness of the consciousness within enamors me more than the fullness of materialism outside. Even while typing this, I am melting in the peace within. I am not writing this to you with an intention that you must get it or understand it. I am just flowing with the moment. I just AM!
And I enjoy just BEING! Flowing naturally, without questioning, without judging, has become an essential and natural aspect of this ‘I’ named Ekta. So much so that there is no ‘I’ anymore, there is just a flow!
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